Struggles

I was actually really nervous about today and it took me a while to get to sleep last night. Something about this country makes me nervous..and maybe it’s just because it’s Cambodia and I feel like there is such a stigma that comes with that.

I woke up around 8:00am and took a FREEZING shower to wash my hair (sort of). I have a feeling I am never going to feel clean until I can take a lukewarm shower again! As I was walking to get my milk I ran into Songim who said something about how SHE was taking me to the Home of Joy at 8:00am? The one thing that has already frustrated me about Cambodia, as far as the coordinators go, is the lack of communication (even between Maureen and Tom!) I told her Tom told me 8:45am since I started around 9:00am and I would be ready then. I also asked her if she knew anything about what I was supposed to do this afternoon (and she didn’t).

I called Tom who responded with, “You’re going back to Home of Joy aren’t you?” I told him that wasn’t what Maureen told me but I would call him later. Songim brought me to the Home of Joy (it isn’t THAT far away..maybe a 25 minute walk). When I got there there were a ton of volunteers in blue shirts. Songim introduced me to Sister Nazarene (who spoke some English..wahooo!) who “showed me around”.

There is a main room with cribs, an office type area where I put my bag, a kitchen, an eating area, a bathroom/washing area, something out back, a playroom and then the out front area (which also has a small playground). Although, I think she only got through the main room before she had to help some child. The kids are young for the most part (I would say less than 3 or 4) but there are a few who are older and one who is mentally challenged.

I am STILL confused about their situation, but I think they have families so I am not positive why they are here, but maybe some have families and some don’t, or they do have families who can’t take care of them.

It is a Christian run organization (the nuns) and I think two speak some English which is really nice. For you Stonehill people..one looks like the female version of Father Paul..actually she just LOOKS like Father Paul so that made me smile!

I found out the other volunteers are from Korea and they are still in college but part of a volunteer group. They were only at the Home of Joy for the day, but walking around I could see their group has been here a lot! All of the murals had their group name and different dates, so it sounds like it’s an annual thing for them (but obviously with different students). They didn’t really speak English, but it was a relief to have other people there (I have NO idea what I am going to do when it’s only me!)

My first thought was, “WHAT have I gotten myself into?” I reminded myself how I have felt this way the first day of EVERY project and that it would only get better. I found one boy who was crying unless he was held so I --- made the mistake of --- picking him up. I was carrying him around for a bit, but MAN he got heavy! I need to practice that “kid on my hip thing”. I couldn’t even sit down and hold him or else he would start to cry..I needed to be standing up. EVENTUALLY I got him to fall asleep, but then I was in an awkward position and MY legs were falling asleep.

The Korean group put on some music and did some dances which were fun to watch. One was to “Santa Clause is Coming to Town!” and I actually got a bit sad. I feel like I picked the worst places to be for my birthday, Christmas and New Year! By that I only mean they are very desolate and a bit lonely. I don’t want to forget about Christmas as it is the basis of my faith, but in a way I sort of want to pretend it isn’t happening. WHY do I have to have amazing people in my life that I miss so very much, especially on Christmas?

I digress. Then, it was time for feeding. They have a small room with two “picnic style” tables. Most of the kids sit there and can more or less feed themselves. But as I put my boy down he started to sob. So I picked him up and some of the kids were on the floor being fed (I think the ones that needed more of a pureed food). But, after I was handed the bowl he continued to cry and move his head so that NO food could go in! GREAT first day and I get the tough one! A staff person (not a nun though) took him from me and gave me another! Woo hoo! This one was GREAT and was gulping it down! After some water and part of a second helping (which made him the last one done) I brought him back out to that main room. I was handed the crying boy again who I continued to carry around.

I thought around 11:00am they were suppose to nap (that’s when I was told I should leave..) but I think since the Korean volunteers were still there they were up for a bit. The Koreans were all wondering why I was there, etc. etc. and it was cute because 3 of them would get together and try and figure out how to ask me. They knew basic English and between of few of them I think we worked it out. I retained my celebrity status and had my picture taken with them!

They got on their bus and left and I was alone with about 10 kids outside. I knew it was ok they were there but I didn’t really know what to do (and nobody really told me). Finally around 11:20am I went inside and said I had to leave!

Since I really didn’t know WHAT the plan was, I figured I would make my way downtown and check out some things along the way. My first planned stop was a laundry place my peeps on trip advisor recommended. I managed to find it and it is a bit expensive (more than double what I paid in Vietnam) BUT I think it is same day pickup and I can more or less drop it off before the Home of Joy.

I continued walking around and just found some different things and FINALLY made my way to the downtown area. I honestly don’t know how long it took me because I was weaving in and out of roads and stopped along the way, but MAN I was hot!

I stopped at Tell for lunch. It was in my guidebooks and Alexis and Andrew (my friends from the Halong Bay Cruise) said it was good. I was the ONLY one there..but I knew it was early for lunch (especially because the lunch rush are the tourists coming back from the Temples..so it’s later anyway). I was actually thinking about trying something authentic (really I was) but my stomach has been somewhat iffy lately.

They had a lunch deal, a salad and pasta, so I decided on that. It was fine, nothing special but it was good. I then decided I would check my email quickly at an internet shop. I hate using them..I missed my laptop and I feel so much pressure because I am paying for every second! So I just did a quick email read and then I called Maureen to see what the plan was. She told me Tom would pick me up at 1:10pm in front of the Blue Pumpkin to take me to the Orphans & Disabled Arts Association (ODA). I spent a bit of time wandering and found the other laundry shop, but I think I like the new one better (it seemed more like a laundry shop whereas this one seemed like someone’s house).

I met Tom and we were off! He said he would show me how to get there so I could bike tomorrow (yeah..about that..) I had been wearing my pink Boston Red Sox hat (yeah Boston!)..like I need any more reasons to stick out. BUT since all the transportation here isn’t covered, I wanted to wear a hat. Anyway, bad idea because it went FLYING off! Ooops! Luckily I told him quick enough so we could stop and I could grab it. The road seemed to go on FOREVER (and I wasn’t even BIKING) and when we got to gate he showed the brochure so we didn’t have to pay the $20. I am a little nervous that this will be a problem but I have everyone’s number so I can always call if I get stuck.

It really is beautiful once you get into the Temple area because it is just woodsy and more quiet. He said he would take me around the big loop to give me a sneak peak at the Temples and then someone at the organization would bring me home the normal way so I could know the way for tomorrow. By the time we got to the part where normally I would go right but we went left is was 6km which is 3.72 miles. Not ok, not ok.

It was AWESOME to see the Temples and I am definitely excited for when I tour them, but I am just NOT a Temple girl! I don’t know if it is because I am a travel snob and really have been blessed to see a lot of the world, but I am just not into that (although I am not a museum girl either). It was pretty cool though (huge) and he brought me down some other roads to show me other temples. Although at one point he said something about how we had to avoid the police because we really shouldn’t be there. BUT I guess once you’re in the gate it’s fine, you just can’t go IN to the temples without a pass.

Tom was telling me just how corrupt the Cambodian government is..and how they think if NGO’s want to come and help, let them, because they aren’t going to do anything to help. The whole situation of the country seems very sad.

We were literally off-roading on his motorbike, although I was happy I was getting a bit of a free tour. But motorbikes are NOT comfortable. There really isn’t a ton of space to sit and I have to hold on to the bar below my butt so I don’t fall off (even though I felt like I was going to..A LOT!)

He kept saying how this and that would be great to explore on bike and I would be safe at night..but I don’t know. I DEFINITELY would not be riding around there after dark..and I think it would be AWESOME to bike around once in the Temples, but after a 4 mile bike ride to GET there I feel like I would be dead! Of course I didn’t tell him this; I just smiled and thanked him for the advice.

We arrived at ODA which is literally on the side of the road and sort of in between Temples. There are about 50 Temples in the whole complex, so it’s HUGE. When I got there there were a group of girls (seemed about my age) watching the kids do some dance thing. I was met by Leng who runs the program. He introduced me to them as the “English Teacher” and that’s when I panicked.

The girls were leaving so I sort of just stood there as they said their goodbyes. I found out they are from California and out of school but took about 3 weeks to come over and travel (they are going to Ho Chi Minh and Halong Bay after this!) I guess they had met someone selling artwork in the Temples who recommended ODA and so they stopped by to hang out with the kids. It was really cool they were just tourists who visited for the afternoon.

The orphanage isn’t much. It has two bedrooms (one for boys and one for girls) a kitchen area, eating area, “schooling” area and an area where they sell their artwork. I think this is the organization that focuses a lot on artwork that they then sell as a fundraiser.

Anyway after they left I didn’t know what to do so I was kinda hanging out with some kid playing with a truck. When I walked back over the school area Leng said, “Ok teach!” Wait a second..where have I heard this before..

I told him I didn’t know I was supposed to be teaching today and didn’t have anything prepared. He handed me a book that had what past volunteers had taught (which I thought was GREAT but I literally just glanced at it). I started with body parts and attempted Simon Says but man international kids just DON’T get it! So then it just turned into “Touch your..” EVERYTHING I did in Beijing completely escaped me, but luckily he saved the day and said he needed to go into town to check on a child in the hospital so I needed to go then (or else I would be walking home!) I was relieved!

So basically what I found out on the ride back was there are about 20 orphans who live there. It sounds like they do artwork to make money for the orphanage. They aren’t disabled, although there is one boy who is 17 and speaks pretty good English and he was my helper/translator..but I also think he is blind in one eye.

I explained to Leng that I would bike tomorrow (although he took me on a DIFFERENT way back..and I think it’s going to be about a 5 to 6 mile bike ride ONE WAY) but said I don’t think I could do that every day. First of all, I know after tomorrow I won’t be able to WALK and my butt is going to kill. But I just wanna do it to prove to myself I can. Also..it is going to take me FOREVER to get there and back. Again I would LOVE to bike around the Temple area, but if I am already biking at least 10 miles there and back, I am just not in good enough biking shape to then bike around the area. I think he said that tomorrow maybe we could figure out how someone could pick me up in town and bring me out. The problem is because it’s the Temples any form of transportation would be about $8 one way. So wish me luck tomorrow..I am going to NEED IT!

On the way back he also asked me about what countries I was visiting and I told him. He told me how lucky I was to be able to travel. This made me uncomfortable because what was I suppose to say to that? I told him I was very blessed for this opportunity and he said how nobody in Cambodia can travel (I think he said because they just don’t have enough money). But he said how he doesn’t like living here because everything is so corrupt and the government does nothing for the people and the children. It really made me sad and uncomfortable because I had NO clue what to say. I also feel SO privileged to live in the U.S. and have the opportunities I do have.

He dropped me off downtown and I looked for a bookstore to find SOMETHING to use tomorrow. No such luck! Oh well..better luck NEXT time! Guess I will have to get creative! The classroom at the orphanage is cool because there is just a hanging board and some benches but it’s all outside. It feels so Cambodian, but sort of in a sad way when I think of classrooms in America with computers and LCD projector screens etc.

I was trying to figure out what to do with my night. I was exhausted and hated that I hadn’t been able to really “rest” all day. I don’t mind the homestay (although I miss warm water and AC) but the thing I really dislike is how far away it is! I would have loved to just lie down for 5 minutes during the day to relax!

Anyway, I decided I would try ANOTHER supermarket, have dinner and call it an earlier night. I walked about 10 minutes to the other supermarket and fell in LOVE. It had EVERYTHING, including the red raspberry preserve jam I like for my PB&J! I picked some up so now it is nice to know I can always have a sandwich at home in case I don’t feel like going into town (since it really is a hassle) and I picked up a lot of other snacks..seeing as I spent $40 on groceries! Ugh I HATE using American money! BUT besides water and milk I really won’t have to do any other grocery shopping while I am here, which was my goal. It was sort of early for dinner but I knew I should eat something so I went to this burger place. I know, I know, but honestly it was the ONLY place in this mall and since I had all my bags I couldn’t really venture out! Hamburger and french-fries, YUM!

I then called Tay my new Tuk-Tuk friend to see if he could bring me back. He said he was busy but could bring me back at 6:30pm (it was about 5:30pm). I said that was fine and read a little of my tour book. I was outside at 6:25pm and when he didn’t show up by 6:35pm I called him and he said another 10 minutes. This was sort of my fear, but I also didn’t love the idea of having someone random take me home (since NOBODY knows where this place is!) Finally at 6:45pm I texted him (SO much easier than trying to understand him on the phone) and told him I had to get home so I would call him another time. I started walking and it took FAR too long until a tuk-tuk came along! Where are they when you need them? My bags were heavy and I didn’t really feel comfortable in the area I was at so I was happy to take a tuk-tuk back.

After showing him the address he had NO clue (surprise surprise) so I told him I would show him. I was MORE than half way there (and TIRED) so it didn’t take long. When we got there I asked him how much (it’s $2 from town..unless they try and rip you off..so I thought I should pay $1 but wouldn’t argue seeing as we were in a dark dirt road) and he sorta laughed and said, “How much do you think?” I told him $1 since I was half way there and asked for his number for the future..although I think he thought I wanted to go to the Temples.

Ugh this is what I really don’t like about where I am staying. I hate having to rely on finding a tuk-tuk or motorbike and I hate having to worry about it. Will I be safe? Will they get lost? Will I get ripped off? I like the IDEA of a homestay (and getting the true feel) but being by myself I just don’t feel completely comfortable and it seems like more work (and worry) than what I am gaining from it.


I am finding I am having trouble just “being present”. I remember feeling this way in Beijing, but not in Vietnam. Maybe I didn’t feel this way in Vietnam because I was with other volunteers (Khaly and Ken) so kinda felt like we were all doing it together? I am not sure. But I find myself worrying, “Am I doing enough? Will I leave here and regret something? Am I pushing myself enough out of my comfort zone?” and I am just not sure. When I think about it, I come up with answers, but are they answers or excuses? Am I trying to absorb as much of the culture as I can? Well, I have been to mostly touristy places because that’s where I have felt comfortable (and all my stomach can handle). I haven’t felt ready to experience the local food yet, but hopefully I will. The bike rides..I am not looking forward to the LONG one tomorrow..but is this an excuse? Yes I talk about the time, the heat, the sun, etc. but am I going to miss out on something? Like I said I would LOVE to bike around the Temples, but I don’t think I would enjoy it after the 5 mile ride to get there (and knowing I have to return home). But am I just saying this to make myself feel better about not wanting to do it? Am I making the most of my homestay? No I don’t really like it..I don’t like having to worry about how to get back every night..I don’t like feeling a little bit uneasy about the location, the remoteness, the darkness, but are these excuses..am I going to be missing out on something? I haven’t really met anyone (there are no other volunteers) but have I really PUT myself out there to meet people? Ugh I don’t know..for some reason this is really bothering me as I write this. Am I playing it too safe? I mean no, not in a safety sense..I won’t do anything because I feel like I should if I think I am going to be unsafe..but am I making the most of this experience..am I giving it everything I’ve got?

Hugs and kisses from a struggling Julie.